Okay. This entry comes from 2 weeks of severe emotional instability and definite shaking of my tree of life. I am realizing the seeds that have been sown in me through the years has now reaped fruit. Its been falling left and right and people have been able to pick it up... Its a weird experience to not be attached to the things that I have relied upon to give me strength for some time now. Its like I never stepped into a situation afraid that I couldnt handle it because I have been confident that God had equipped me enough with seeds to pull me through. Now that the fruit is falling its exciting but its a strange feeling especially while I know something else is growing inside me...Let me try and articulate this for you and for me...
Sidenote...I am in great need to process things. I honestly cant wait for the right person to come in my life(like my husband) who wont freak out when i come home and need to process my day. Just speak of the horrible crazy things i see and hear about in my career! I tried talking to my mom last night after a long shift at the group home, and she said I dont want to hear it, i cant take those stories, stop telling me...I was like AHHHH! I have to tell somebody,I dont know what to do with all this in my head and in my heart. So i went to my room and tried not to sound crazy as i talked to God outloud all alone in my room. Geez....
So the morning after, I still have all these pent up fears, emotions, heartbreakingness that I havent procesed. My boss said to me "blog it out" so here I am...venting and learning and teaching.... =)
Here is the deal, I now have to complete 100 hours of internship hours for school. While continuing my full time career as a Social Worker (that is in itself a nightmare alone)
I am completing my hours by interning at a group home for teen moms, and girls on probation from LA county. Most are moms, some are pregnant, some arent, they are in the group home under probation of the court to get their lives together. I am in a 16 bed cottage. Right now we are at max capacity. They have behavior issues, coming off addictions, EVERYTHING you could think of..and they are 14-17 years old. So I go there, and I am just me...haha...Im MEESH...thats what they call me. A couple of years ago I would have been eaten alive in there. Those girls would have had a field day with me, and I would have been mortified and insecure about who I was....
BUT NOW...wow....its such a trip to feel like I have armor on. Like Maturity. Honesty. Genuineness.Loyalty. These things that I value, show through in my presence and I can feel it in me and out of me... I can say that my years of serving God and going through life with God is now paying me back with such confidence and faith. Have you ever felt the evidence of God in your own life? Its one thing to witness it in someone else, but have you ever felt the power He gives you.. leave you? Like a result of a strum on a guitar, or the result of an amplified voice on a microphone. The energy in you that is not seen but felt leave you and go into someone else...its way weird to explain...right?
OH but wait....except that I dont have the same feeling of faith that I thought I would have. For the last couple of years, my motto or mantra has been BELIEVE. Believe in those beyond what they can believe in themselves. But honestly, the lives that I see and the mindset these girls are in at 14 and 15, is a mindset of a tired, hardened, jaded, 45 year old criminal who has no desire to live life. I found myself saying to myself "im scared for you" instead of "Im proud of you, you can do it,I believe in you and your future." That is so NOT me. I never felt that in years of discipleship I would ever hit a roadblock like this.
My prayers are blocked by something. The feeling of hopelessness. of doubt. of despair. I feel anxiety right now just thinking of the darkness these girls are in. They have an identity of darkness. Many identify themeselves as lesbians. Many of them dont even identify with themselves as being women. They love sin. and hate God. So here I am. Trying to show "this little light of mine" and im frustrated because it doesnt seem bright enough to make a difference! Yet...? I am overwhelmed. and if you know me, I can take on a lot and still survive.
So here I am. Battling inside trying to process my faith. Trying to hand out the fruit that has been shaken from my tree of life to whoever wants it...and trying to sow seed to reap new fruit in this new season. Its a weird season for me.
The lesson so far is this God is shaking the tree. Fruit has fallen. New fruit is growing. THIS is where its gonna grow from. it hurts. I need care, nurturing, pruning, watering, food...hmmm? wow.
So if you are reading this and this makes any sense to you and you can help me deal with my eager frustration. HELP! Ill be seeking God for the lesson, once I learn it Ill share....so again...to be continued.....
love.meesh.
