finish fatigued....

I ran a race a long time ago. 13 years ago to be exact. I was in junior high school and i ran the 200 meter hurdles....i was chosen to run this race, and if running full speed for about 30 seconds, they added 3 ft hurdles scattered around to my journey to the finish....HURDLES! On purpose. There was something in my way on purpose, designed for me to jump over and finish in good standing...i was expected to finish, no matter what was in my way.

Isn't this how life is? An expectation to run this race, with hurdles in front of us..on purpose...intended not for our harm but for the purpose of our destiny?...

The thing is i won a medal for running that race hurdles and all. I didn't complain, i trained. I didn't whine i practiced. I was scared but i ran anyway. I knew that by training i would get better, and if i hit one hurdle with my shin ( i almost cussed because it hurt like a.... j/k) but then i learned that i had to extend my right leg more, or anticipate more in advance my jump...My point is this:

Life, a midst of hurdles in all areas of life require us to do the same. The Message version of 1 Corinthians 9:24 is AMAZING look:

24 You’ve all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. 25 All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You’re after one that’s gold eternally. 26 I don’t know about you, but I’m running hard for the finish line. I’m giving it everything I’ve got. No sloppy living for me! 27 I’m staying alert and in top condition. I’m not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself.

My favorite part is verse 27, ...I'm not going to be caught napping telling everyone else about it and then missing out myself....! I think this is the truest depiction of how we see our hurdles in life. We see one coming and we stop talk about it, complain about, whine about it, take a nap about it hoping we feel better. The problem is we MISS the entire purpose of that hurdle! Ive done it...but after all that whining, i still have to jump over that hurdle and what I would have learned by sleeping and waiting around I missed, jumped over struggling and then got mad because it hurt so much doing it MY way!

Our training as Christians is what we do in between the hurdles. The anticipation that even after we have gotten over that mistake or tragedy, repented of that sin, or given forgiveness for a wrong...we have to get back up and know that a couple of meters down the race another one is coming, and we have to remain alert in good condition...training hard by staying close to God our coach even IN BETWEEN the hurdle.

When we do stop to rest, make sure we are resting in the arms of our Father not in the arms of our Fatigue.

Man oh man is this a lesson for me. I am tired at the moment and that eagles wings verse is comforting ... But when i look back at the last hurdle i went through, i remember that I learned and i am strong all over again....ahhhh, its gonna be so worth it to receive the prize at the end!

because you lived....

Its been like 4 months since ive blogged...its been a long time of up in the air thoughts, nothing concrete in my head...a lot of questions...but 2 days before 2010 i received a note from a coworker that made think and rethink my attitude about 2010...

What is Success?

To Laugh often and much?
To win the respect of intelligent people and affection of children?
To appreciate Beauty? To find the best in others?
To leave the world a bit better, by raising healthy child or redeem a social condition?
(and my favorite...)

To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

I would love to live my life this way... One that determines a good life for someone else above mine. Wouldnt that be amazing, if my attitude each day was who cares about me...what about you?...Honestly...if 2009 taught me anything is that i dont say that enough...i mean I say it...but so many other times i ask i did this for you now what am i gonna get? But im tired of beating myself up for it...i have to live...and living means being selfish sometimes...so that the selfishness can rise to the top of the surface so that it can be removed...layer by layer, person by person...each person that you expose your selfishness to is in lack of something you could have given....

let that simmer in the next few days before the new year...i am not saying I am the most selfless person in the world...if that were true i wouldn't have the closet i have....dont judge me hahah!..but accept the thought of those who lack and those who dont lack...and lets bridge the gap....take the leap in 2010 and commit to something. A cause, an organization, an attitude....I realized, i cant take my pretty stuff with me...it wont fit in with the splendor of heaven...and that is where im headed...so if i can give to those who arent headed there a gift of breathing easier so that they can be in the clear state of mind to decide to follow the one to heaven....then thats all i want to do....and i dont just mean in the pulpit of a church, i mean in the pulpit of your computer, your car, your fav starbucks...DISCIPLE. GIVE. and reproduce your life for another....

So help me say "cheers 2009". you have taught me well. Each tear has pushed me further towards my dream. Each smile pushed me further towards success...because i've lived.

I dare you to....

The potential we have to be anything in life is born with us. Potential is like the wind we can't see but we know what the outcome of wind will bring. One definition of potential says its a latent(or delayed) excellence or ability that may or may not be developed. I have been thinking alot about what it means to believe in someone. Does it mean that we just take someone at their word? Is it conditional? Like IF you show me this, then I will believe in that? Or is it MORE. If potential is a delayed result, are we patient enough to wait for it?

Im glad God is a God that believes in potential and not circumstance. Im glad He believes in the "latent" the patient work in us that has not developed. The thing is God blesses us just the same either way. Whether we figured out that we are good in purpose or not...He sees the potential and blesses us as if we were EXCELLENT at it. He sees what is not and calls them as if they are...How amazing.

How do i teach and encourage people to believe in the potential of troubled youth without sounding like a total FREAK a ZOID from another planet? How do i teach this truth to people who dont even believe in themselves enough?

This man the other day kept saying Im passionate! But Im not here to teach you passion, it cant be taught! And i kept thinking then STOP saying that! All I wanted to be was passionate after hearing it and seeing it in him! Because i saw how his passion was producing results!

Is that how I do it? Scream out I BELIEVE! I BELIEVE! until people start seeing the results of my belief? Hmmm? I dare you to try this with me...if you believe in what im saying, I DARE you to BELIEVE in the potential of people...I DARE YOU!

if circumstances hadn't come in between...

I have been in the middle of a great divide lately. The division between what is and what isn't. I am not in a profound element of writing today. In fact that is just it. There is a deepness i feel that is not far enough to be profound. I'm "tween" (slang for in between) thoughts. I wonder if circumstances were removed would i still be the same person. Would I still answer the same call of God and follow with the same heed? If i knew the cost of my decisions then, could i live with how the outcome is now and will be? The great divide of faith and the present is vast yet i can touch each of them each morning as i make the choice to follow God or to follow man. Today I woke up with an urgency to be better. I must be better. I must be better at a lot of things. I ask myself am I pleasing God enough, or am I more concerned with my pleasure? Where do these feelings come from? The feelings of not feeling like i do enough for the kingdom. I ache. My mind pounds with decisions. My heart is overwhelmed with angst and passion for something.

I feel like i have been pregnant for a while and I am overdue. I imagine a mother will have the desire to push prematurely out of pure discomfort in the waiting. Thats where I am at. The urge to push through this circumstance. Waiting until God brings forth something. I dont know what. Till then, im still "tween" something.

shiny and new

The other day, i rushed over to "peace" my hot spot in Laguna off the cliffs, to pray and regain my sanity. I sat and watched the waves do their thing, going back and forth with force, crashing loudly, sometimes effortlessly giving themselves to the power of the tide and then calmly rest on the shore. I started to think of this phenomenal power that is my heart. It beats with passion, it breaks and then it heals. I remember the day when i gave up, and i stopped being a wave out at sea. I remember the room I was in when i fell in love with my keeper. I remember the days and nights i spent crying and praying, pleading for God to heal my heart and put me back together. I clearly remember what i was wearing one night in worship as I sang I belong to you...and you belong to me. I was there and He was there and even though there was an entire sea of people around me, it was just me and Him dancing to and fro and He healed me.

You are going to have to excuse me. I am in a mood. A very Honest. Blatant. Irritated mood. It stems from relationships. Not all irritation is bad.

Irritation is a sign of friction. Friction creates fire. Fire is a sign of passion. To be passionate about something you have to get irritated first.

So allow me to be irritated at this subject. I have watched people bypass God and turn their hearts over to sin, to bad relationships, to complacency. I have watched the broken hearted become destroyed. The sick become sicker and the dying, die. It irritates me. I want to shake them, lock them in a room and force them to meet with God. I say this only because ive been there. Debilitated. Weak.Confused. Making decisions with the world as my compass and my flesh as my guide. If you listen to me about anything ever, you will hear me say this to you over and over and over again like a broken record.

"Everything you do reflects back to your relationship with God"...

Your relationship with God is the only stable source of love and peace. You must rely on your heart to be the source of His words, His love, His direction. Without a whole heart He could not be in you.He wouldnt fit. He is bigger than you.If you want all of Him to fit, you need to make room.

"Now then..., "throw away the foreign gods that are among you and yield your hearts to the LORD, the God of Israel." Joshua 24:23

Make room in your life with the things of Him and about Him. Remove those things that make you miss the things of the Lord. I look at people in my life, how they are like waves tossed to and fro. Giving their hearts to people and things at the sight of security, at the glimpse of intimacy, at the hope of stability. Such risk such passion such irresponsibility... I mean this is your heart! This is the vessle that God moves through. This is the place that He dwells! And yet they want to see the things of the Lord!

You will receive the things from whoever you give your heart to.

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."Luke 6:45
If drugs have your heart, you will receive what drugs can only give you. If a man or a woman has your heart entirely, you will only receive the things flesh can only give you. But if the spirit has your heart. If God has your heart, you will receive what God can only give you. You choose.

As I sat watching the waves I began to feel the aprehension i have felt each time someone comes into my life and asks for my heart. I began to feel myself clutch my chest as if i were clutching valuable treasure.

He is the keeper of your heart. The gatekeeper. No one can have it without going through Him first.

I picked up a stone off the beach that day. It was shiny and smooth. Unblemished yet obvious it had been through storms. Those waves they produce newness, they give a new identity. See this is not condemnation or pride.Ive been there.Years of being a wave tossed back and forth. The result has been my new heart, shiny and new. Treasured. Captivated. Clutched... In this irritated state, i urge you. Give up. Give in. Get iritated. Let God take you and make you shiny and new. I promise its better on this side. I promise He will come through with all your looking for in a person and in life, I promise He will come through with all you want to be. He wants you to be shiny an new, make room,what's keeping you?

HONK! GO!

At my friends old house in the hills, there is this automatic gate, that is really weird, it knows from yards away a car is coming, and begins to open before you really get too close to it. By the time you reach the gate, you barely have to stop and usually you can roll on through. The coolest part about it, to avoid accidents, there is a checkpoint at the top of the hill that signals the gate and places a red light to oncoming traffic. This however only happens as long as the car continues to move, along the road, its downhill with no stop signs... once the checkpoint is crossed the gate begins to open and the green light is triggered...if the car stops along the road the gate puts a red light up and closes the gate!

My instinct is to stop even at the green light to make sure i wasnt going to get hit... and cars behind me have honked probably thinking "you idiot its open green means GO"...like i have done many times behind someone else...why do i do that if i know the green light means go and its safe,the gate is wide open? Is it my mistrust or doubt? Last week I stopped. I stopped believing and trusting in the destination and purpose of my faith in some areas and have been waiting in caution...

I heard an audible car horn this morning in my head as I read my devotion....

"when you walk your steps will not be hampered, when you run you will not stumble"Prov 4:12 "We walk by faith, not by sight" 2Cor 5:7

HONK!

God is not going to open the gate for me if i am not sure of Him. He doesnt like to be untrusted, just like you or I dont like the feeling of being mistrusted...If He says Go He means Go...it doesnt matter if it was yesterday, a month a go or 10 years ago...the light has been green this whole time! God has been calling me nearer to Him since i invited His son in my heart. Its been a never ending-eternal road with a wide open gate. Sure, there are times where God closes a door and I have to take heed and wait, but the gate to His ways and purpose is always open, He never said stop coming to me when it looks scary.He never said stop driving towards me. He never said take a break till it gets easier...He said walk by faith and not by sight, and as you walk you will not be hindered, and you will not stumble.

Faith doesn't need to stop at a green light.

Faith continues moving in darkness knowing the light is green!

This is may be redundant. And it may mirror a prior post. but how many times will it take me to learn a relearn God and His ways? point is....im still umcomfortable. and thats okay. im still struggling. and thats ok. I just cant stop. He honked at me and said GO...or else He will close the gates to my calling, to my opportunities, to my lessons, to my character building.He has every right to if i dont trust what He already said. He has every reason to HONK!

He is saying to me...meesh, ive already made the way and opened the gate...stop freaking out and GO, what you are going through is just what you need to get where you are going TO. Keep comin.

sigh. Okay God...pedal to the metal....here i go.

WHY?

I wrote this last year...Ive been rummaging through things in my writing achives and this is one of my favorite lessons....in fact it applies to my life now, and everyday...

Have you ever thought about how many times a year you ask God "WHY"?
Let me share something with you guys...it may not be relevant to you but it will at some point it may make you think... by no means am i asking for you to adopt my thoughts as your own but hey this is Michelle you are reading about since when dont i give you the real deal? =)
Lately my heart has stood at a question mark...the questions grew and no answer came...but yet another problem came then another...and it just kept building...everything still unanswered...no matter how loud i got screaming at God...or how tightly i gripped the wheel of my car as i drove for hours at a time crying and screaming....

I came to this point of my life...a reminder that He is still God...and I am still nothing...my words cant heal...my touch wont restore and my presence doesnt bring anyone chills...SO my question WHY? is really irrelevant to HIM who holds the answer and the plan of my life...in fact...

"why?" is a faithless act of us not trusting Him who has control of our lives...

So what do we do in these times...that inevitably hurt like hell? It is comforting to stay in limbo for a while asking "why" and waiting for an answer b/c in that waiting you kinda become numb...and thats where your faith becomes stagnant...thats where i was at...
so how did i get out of it? I started saying "YES"! Yes to whatever comes..."

YES" moves you forward..."WHY" moves you backward."

...ahh the power of yes...start saying yes to God instead of saying "why" and He will not only move you forward but he will grow you stronger...am i done hurting? NOPE...this hurts like crazy...but id rather hold Gods hand blindly than lead myself in the light of this world...Love you guys...life comes at cha...say yes!

I could run

I wrote this a while ago...it still hits home.



"I could run"

i could run. but i cant.i wont
ive already been there,
for what?
to fill the daily voids that creep in my heart?
your heart. its yours. i gave it to you, but somehow learned to share it with those who were never taught how to take care of it..
so im here. believing. trying.
eyes wide open , yet there is darkness...
have i missed it?
promise? you make them i break them...
each time, i wind up here.
did i spoil it? have i done too much this time for you to see me?
believe in myself ? how when that's all i see?
....teach me...look past that, and look at me...deep...
so here i am...one more time.
i could run.but i cant, i wont
i've already been there.
once again,
you win.

i'm scared for you...

Okay. This entry comes from 2 weeks of severe emotional instability and definite shaking of my tree of life. I am realizing the seeds that have been sown in me through the years has now reaped fruit. Its been falling left and right and people have been able to pick it up... Its a weird experience to not be attached to the things that I have relied upon to give me strength for some time now. Its like I never stepped into a situation afraid that I couldnt handle it because I have been confident that God had equipped me enough with seeds to pull me through. Now that the fruit is falling its exciting but its a strange feeling especially while I know something else is growing inside me...Let me try and articulate this for you and for me...

Sidenote...I am in great need to process things. I honestly cant wait for the right person to come in my life(like my husband) who wont freak out when i come home and need to process my day. Just speak of the horrible crazy things i see and hear about in my career! I tried talking to my mom last night after a long shift at the group home, and she said I dont want to hear it, i cant take those stories, stop telling me...I was like AHHHH! I have to tell somebody,I dont know what to do with all this in my head and in my heart. So i went to my room and tried not to sound crazy as i talked to God outloud all alone in my room. Geez....

So the morning after, I still have all these pent up fears, emotions, heartbreakingness that I havent procesed. My boss said to me "blog it out" so here I am...venting and learning and teaching.... =)

Here is the deal, I now have to complete 100 hours of internship hours for school. While continuing my full time career as a Social Worker (that is in itself a nightmare alone)
I am completing my hours by interning at a group home for teen moms, and girls on probation from LA county. Most are moms, some are pregnant, some arent, they are in the group home under probation of the court to get their lives together. I am in a 16 bed cottage. Right now we are at max capacity. They have behavior issues, coming off addictions, EVERYTHING you could think of..and they are 14-17 years old. So I go there, and I am just me...haha...Im MEESH...thats what they call me. A couple of years ago I would have been eaten alive in there. Those girls would have had a field day with me, and I would have been mortified and insecure about who I was....

BUT NOW...wow....its such a trip to feel like I have armor on. Like Maturity. Honesty. Genuineness.Loyalty. These things that I value, show through in my presence and I can feel it in me and out of me... I can say that my years of serving God and going through life with God is now paying me back with such confidence and faith. Have you ever felt the evidence of God in your own life? Its one thing to witness it in someone else, but have you ever felt the power He gives you.. leave you? Like a result of a strum on a guitar, or the result of an amplified voice on a microphone. The energy in you that is not seen but felt leave you and go into someone else...its way weird to explain...right?

OH but wait....except that I dont have the same feeling of faith that I thought I would have. For the last couple of years, my motto or mantra has been BELIEVE. Believe in those beyond what they can believe in themselves. But honestly, the lives that I see and the mindset these girls are in at 14 and 15, is a mindset of a tired, hardened, jaded, 45 year old criminal who has no desire to live life. I found myself saying to myself "im scared for you" instead of "Im proud of you, you can do it,I believe in you and your future." That is so NOT me. I never felt that in years of discipleship I would ever hit a roadblock like this.

My prayers are blocked by something. The feeling of hopelessness. of doubt. of despair. I feel anxiety right now just thinking of the darkness these girls are in. They have an identity of darkness. Many identify themeselves as lesbians. Many of them dont even identify with themselves as being women. They love sin. and hate God. So here I am. Trying to show "this little light of mine" and im frustrated because it doesnt seem bright enough to make a difference! Yet...? I am overwhelmed. and if you know me, I can take on a lot and still survive.

So here I am. Battling inside trying to process my faith. Trying to hand out the fruit that has been shaken from my tree of life to whoever wants it...and trying to sow seed to reap new fruit in this new season. Its a weird season for me.

The lesson so far is this God is shaking the tree. Fruit has fallen. New fruit is growing. THIS is where its gonna grow from. it hurts. I need care, nurturing, pruning, watering, food...hmmm? wow.

So if you are reading this and this makes any sense to you and you can help me deal with my eager frustration. HELP! Ill be seeking God for the lesson, once I learn it Ill share....so again...to be continued.....

love.meesh.

shake the tree

when a fruit tree is full of ripe good fruit ready to eat...sometimes all you have to do, is shake it and the fruit will fall right onto the ground easily accessible to grab and eat....

we are the same...if HE is the vine and we are the branches and we abide in Him...then all that we do in Him is preparing the fruit we will bear to fall on the ground to bless someone else....

But when we are so attached to the Vine and its so comfortable to be so close to our maker... any fierce wind or shaking of our tree gets uncomfortable for us...

Im in the process of shaking my life to pieces...God is shaking my tree..i want to see what fruit falls.Ive been here once in my life before..and it has brought me here...so im anxious and ready to see what that next level is...

this post is to be continued...

been there, done that

So remember that "busy" blog i wrote a while ago? where I didn't want to be too busy to feel that tug from God at any random moment...yea...well im so blessed to be broken by God in the midst of my work day. A simple email turned into answered prayer...answered miracle...

I am amazed at how many times i sit and tell someone how they should look at things and believe in things when their circumstance is a huge mountain and their storm is raging beyond belief...how easy it is for me to just tell someone how to remove the doubt and trust God...at one point, God told me to hold my tongue...stop speaking it and do it. I remember when i learned how to believe in someone and to take needs and burdens to prayer and CHEER GOD on instead of cheering the person on...there is a difference...not abandoning the person in need, just cheering God on...countless times my prayers have been:

"Come on God" "Just a little more God" "I know you can do it God" Realizing that i didn't have their raging storm or mountain in front of ME...i could do a little more than just saying its gonna be ok. but actually believe in the place of people who cant...i had convinced myself that my friends miracle was already in the process long before she actually began to believe...I had taken ownership of believing in the impossibility in front of her...FOR her...what if we all believed this hard for someone? GOD would be honored. What if we believed like this for our own lives? On another note....

Do we even have to?

There is a scripture in the bible that has pulled me through so many times...and its the blatant simplicity of it... it says "when I am faithless he is still Faithful" for he is not a man that he should lie...How crazy is that? That he can look past my doubt and still bless me? That he cant lie even if he wanted to because the promise is already truth for him...like he cant go and change his mind about the promise He gave you because He already WON....its already done....therefore you win.

I felt God saying to me..."Ive been there and done that" He is already in my tomorrow...he is already blessing my marriage even before i can even try on my dress. He is playing and touching kids lives at Camp Joy long before I even drive up that mountain. He is giving me favor with people about a non profit long before i can even fall asleep and dream it.

I'm over here freaking out at my circumstance and he is already in it and dancing on the other side.... I guess believing is KNOWING even when you don't know. Its cheering God on...but really He turns that right back and cheers me on... "Come on Michelle" "Just a bit longer baby" "You can do it Michelle" "Keep coming" He is at the finish line. He sees the miracle. He sees the lack. He sees the hurdle. He sees it...he has been there and done that...

Keep comin. You'll see.

empty

I have had crazy nothing to say moments this week. Just overwhelmed i guess by life...I have fallen asleep in my makeup twice this week...I have the pimple to prove it...I dont know. I dont what this feeling of incompleteness comes from. The feeling of emptiness. I mean God is with me...but its like im disconnected from people...Things are kinda bothering me...my feelings get hurt. Im a mess. Does anyone eve have problems like this? like you feel good. I mean in Gods will but like in this weird place where you need something to happen but you dont know what...Im on the verge of something another idea, God is trying to say something to me and Im trying to listen but all I hear is dead space. Empty.

Its the emptiness before the filling. God needs to empty me of my thoughts and expectations and people and STUFF. and just empty me. The way he does it? well like this...through a blog of realizing how awesome this is. To feel like im about to get a present. or be surprised...like this "He is up to something" sensation...i dont even have a hunch as to what it could be.

Im in the dark and i feel like im being talked about or information is being withheld and i dont like it... but its coming. and all because im

empty.

im busy

Im a busy person. I feel weird and guilty and unworthy of admitting that. I struggle so much with being busy. I hate telling people how busy I am. I hate updating my calendar to show how busy i am. I hate saying i have so much to do when im really trying to take a nap and rest.BUT Rest takes time. To rest means i have to subtract the time im trying to free up but i fill it with rest, so its still filled with something....so it still means im busy, even when im not being busy.


anyway. I don't want the reason why someone didn't call me to be " i knew you were busy" or "I need help but im sorry im sorry...i know youre busy" yuck. i don't like saying im busy, because i don't want to miss anything. I don't want to miss my best friend getting her braces off. I dont want to miss my friends phone call with tears on the other end. I don't want to miss my family's hello's and goodbyes hey dork hey losers. I don't want to miss that tug on my spirit to pray in the middle of the day. I don't even want to miss my favorite TV show waiting for me on my DVR...I dont want to miss school and learning.I don't want to miss shopping and starbucks and food and froyo with friends. I don't want to miss the opportunity to serve God.I don't want to miss teaching someone about just life. I don't want to miss... LIFE. But really...

i don't want to miss Heaven.

I don't want to go through life doing everything half ways. I dont want to be half way inside heaven and find out I cant go all the way in. Being busy is my call. I can do a whole lot...i am capable of changing this world... that requires work. Its what i do in between my to and fros and here and there's...in my car, in my room, in my prayer spot alone hearing Him sing to me and direct me...and comfort me and laugh at me =). It is in the in between s that i figure out what,why and who im really busy FOR.

It is truly better in the end....

i drive.

I drive. I drive a great car. when im stressed or need to clear my head i drive away. Usually to Laguna beach which ive called "peace" since i was 22...im 27 now, and for the past 5 years i have really gotten to know MEESH...

meesh is my secret kind of nickname. No one really calls me meesh unless they feel close to me. Its an inside joke that i forgot but it just stuck...and so i use it as an escape to identify myself when im vulnerable to being raw and blunt and casual and everything I am and cant be at work or in front of people i dont know.

So intheheartofmeesh, is a blog that will let me be meesh. no holding back.

I started to write a book a while back...and i usually get to my computer, write three words and delete 2, write 3 delete 2...i mean i think im crazy half the time. and think why would people want to read this? Its unreal the amount of information i think about on a daily basis. Sadly, its usually very helpful to someone who may need it..and because i think im crazy it never makes it out of my mouth....hopefully this will change that...=) stay tuned...its comin...ya sure you want to hear it? (there i go again)...