if circumstances hadn't come in between...

I have been in the middle of a great divide lately. The division between what is and what isn't. I am not in a profound element of writing today. In fact that is just it. There is a deepness i feel that is not far enough to be profound. I'm "tween" (slang for in between) thoughts. I wonder if circumstances were removed would i still be the same person. Would I still answer the same call of God and follow with the same heed? If i knew the cost of my decisions then, could i live with how the outcome is now and will be? The great divide of faith and the present is vast yet i can touch each of them each morning as i make the choice to follow God or to follow man. Today I woke up with an urgency to be better. I must be better. I must be better at a lot of things. I ask myself am I pleasing God enough, or am I more concerned with my pleasure? Where do these feelings come from? The feelings of not feeling like i do enough for the kingdom. I ache. My mind pounds with decisions. My heart is overwhelmed with angst and passion for something.

I feel like i have been pregnant for a while and I am overdue. I imagine a mother will have the desire to push prematurely out of pure discomfort in the waiting. Thats where I am at. The urge to push through this circumstance. Waiting until God brings forth something. I dont know what. Till then, im still "tween" something.